Author Topic: 338 oiler  (Read 684 times)

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Offline gunrac

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Re: 338 oiler
« Reply #30 on: March 12, 2014, 01:53:43 pm »
I came across this sometime ago........done a search an found it's from a survivalist forum....just havin fun thread. Thought that was where Killian, came up with it.......

The following is a radio script a friend of mine and I wrote in 1995 this is the first of 3 episodes we wrote:



Mucus McCain
Lark McCain
Formica Terrace
Old Timer
__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ ____________________________________________

Woman: He’s got a gun! He’s got a gun!

(SFX: Gunshots)

(MUSIC: Opening theme to “The Rifleman” by Hershel Burke Gilbert/John Paul Music Co.)

Announcer: The Rifleperson! The continuing saga of a single parent trying to raise his son in the wild but politically correct west. Today’s episode “The Second Amendment”

(End theme)

(SFX: Hoof Beats)

Mucus: Well it looks like mighty fine country, son.

Lark: Looks like a danged old desert to me, Pa.

Mucus: There’s no looking back though. We’ve come too far.

Lark: Apparently, there’s no looking forward, either Pa. The sun’s in my eyes. Say what is that?

Mucus: Our destination. The Town of South Fork, New Mexico, son.

Lark: South Fork? I thought that was in Dallas?

Mucus: Different series, son this is radio.

Lark: Oh…yeah.

(MUSIC: Corny western music.)

(SFX: Hoof beats as Mucus and Lark ride into town and stop.)

Old Timer: There’s a stranger a’riden’ into town, Marshall Terrace. Say, what’s that thing he’s a’carryin’?
Formica: That’s a boy, old timer.

Old Timer: No! Dang blast it! I mean that other long skinny thing he’s a’carrying’.

Formica: Well, I’m not rightly sure. I’ve only seen pictures of them in books, of course, but I’d say it was a rifle.

Crowd: (gasping in fear) A Gun?

Mucus: Howdy, folks. I’m Mucus McCain. This is my boy Lark.

Old Timer: What in tarnation is a boy-lark?

Mucus: That’s his name. Lark.

Old Timer: Danged fool name if’n you ask me.

Formica: Hi, I’m Formica Terrace. I’m the marshal in South Fork. I don’t know this old timer’s name, but he’s the oldest man round these parts.

Lark: Why he don’t look all that old.

Formica: He is used to be janitor in this station before we started the show. You’re new to this, ain’t you, boy?

Mucus: My boy and I are looking to buy a spread hereabouts.

Old Timer: Oh that’s down the street, stranger. Third house on the left, the one what’s got the red light in the window.

Mucus: Uh….No old timer. I mean we are looking to buy a ranch.

Formica: Oh. Homeless huh?

Mucus: Yeah.

Tilly: Marshal! Marshal Terrace!

Formica: Yes, Tilly?

Tilly: That man there! Has he got what I think he’s got in his hand?

Formica: Well I don’t know, Tilly. That’s a right personal question to ask don’t you think?

Tilly: Hmmph!

Formica: Meet Tilly Alum. She’s the chairperson of LCI.

Lark: LCI what’s that?

Formica: Long-gun Control, Incorporated. They’re a bunch of interfering do-gooders who’ve banned all guns from the West.

Tilly: That’s right, Mr. McCain. If we can only keep those evil guns out of the West, we can eliminate all problems of pour society. If we can pass strong enough anti- gun legislation, we can prevent any of those rowdy yahoos from gaining power over anyone else.

Mucus: Let me see if I get this. If you pass enough laws to prevent folks from having guns, then you’ll have no crime. Is that right?

Tilly: That’s correct, Citizen McCain. Why just last week the Marshal had to shoot six outlaws who were robbing the bank. Then he had to chase five drunken cowboys from town who were shooting up the saloon. And just yesterday a bunch of Apaches attacked and burned the stage from Lincoln leaving only a single survivor.

Mucus: Well, Ma’am, just exactly how did the Marshal do his job? And how did that one person survive the Apache attack?

Tilly: They each had a - - Hmmph! You’ll not argue your way out of this using logic!

Mucus: If you’ve passed such laws, and I come here carrying a rifle, doesn’t that make me an outlaw?

Tilly: Well I guess it does, Mr. McCain.

Mucus: Since I’m already an outlaw, I can just ignore all of your stupid gun bans, right?

Tilly: Well I… uh…you gun advocates are all alike! You just want to shoot bad guys and hide behind the Second Amendment! And we ALL know it was really about strap-less gowns!

Lark: What is a strapless gown, Pa?

Mucus: I’m not rightly sure, son.

Tilly: You know the Constitutional right to bare arms.

Mucus: Look, lady, I’m just a sodbuster from the Nations.

Formica: Oh, you mean an agricultural husbandry engineer.

Mucus: What?

Formica: That’s what we call them round here. You being homeless and all we also have to label you a habitat disadvantaged vagrant, too.

Tilly: Vagrant? Why, this man is a gun-toting, child corrupting, male chauvinist, NAZI who’s probably fascist too! Do you duty, Marshal, and take his gun away from him.

Formica: I’d really rather not do that, Tilly.

Tilly: And….Why not?

Formica: Because I’m not an outlaw. He’s got a gun…I don’t!

Tilly: And….Why not?

Formica: Because YOU made it against the law to own one.

Tilly (pause) Oh. Well, as head of LCI chapter 2107, I must insist that all guns are evil and must be banished so that we can kill each other with clubs, knives and spears like civilized people.

Mucus: Guns are just tools, Tilly. Neither good nor evil. Only men are good or evil.

Old Timer: She wouldn’t know, sonny. She ain’t had one in nigh on fifty years.

Tilly: You’re so noble sounding about your tools of death! There’s nothing you can do about it. I will pass laws that will make guns contraband anywhere and there’s nothing you can do to stop me.

Mucus: Well…., I can think of one thing that might.

Tilly: What’s that, Mr. McCain?

Mucus: You don’t have a gun do you, Tilly?

Tilly: No! Of course not! Having a gun could get me killed!

Mucus: Good. That’s all I wanted to know.

(SFX: Gunshots)

(MUSIC: End “Rifleman” Theme)

Announcer: (speaking over theme music) Well…..Who would have thought that a gun control group would shoot their mouths off? And who would have though Mucus would have been such a snot? Tune in next time Boys and Girls , when you here Lark say:

Lark: How do you flush this thing, Pa?

(SFX: Flushing Toilet)




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